Emu Email Episode XIV: Noah wouldn't have taken our 2 cats on his Ark!

Dear all,

I know, I know, it has been over 2 months since I last wrote and you are all dying to know what I am up to. Well, truth is, it is not that my life is boring. I had many Emu-worthy stories, but with teaching, vacationing, and oh yeah, trying this married thing out, it has been busy. Now that I finally had a 3-day weekend to get caught up, I have decided to write you about what really kept me so busy these last 2 months....Goose and Maverick!

Maverick and Goose are two little (now much bigger) kittens that we chose from the "crazy lady" outside of town. Our goal was to pick out 2 cats who needed a home and were in search for a better life. In late August, after calling Humane Societies and Animal Rescue Leagues, we heard of a lady who lives outside Carlisle and takes in all sorts of animals that have no home, have been abused, or are just down on their luck due to bad investing in the current market. Anyway, we went for a visit as she claimed to have over 60 cats, half of them kittens. Let me tell you about what we saw...

This woman is a wonderful story. A retired registered nurse who battled cancer and won and now holds down a large acreage full of nearly 60 cats, 14 dogs, 3 horses, several geese and turkey and chickens, and yes a few raccoons. I am sure there are giraffes, kangaroos, and wombats too...we just didn't see them. Each one has a name, a story, and a personality. We set out to pick out a gray or orange one (my choice) or a black or tabby one (Reagan's choice). We ended up with two black and white siblings who were twins, with the exception of their deformities. Goose, the female, has 1/3 of a tale due to abuse of some sort. Her brother Maverick has an extra long tail and opposable thumbs. This not only helps with catching prey, but he was able to write down a list of demands that he would need when I gave him pencil and paper. His sister, we would later learn has about 1/3 of a brain too! The "crazy lady" wormed them and treated them with fleas and sent them on their way with a small donation that we offered for her treatment of the 5,238 animals we did not take home. Then the adventure began...here is what we learned.

*6 hours after flea treatment, the fleas will attempt to leave the cat to your carpet. If not trained in a circus such as these 100 fleas, they will bound around your house and imbed themselves whenever they again find fur

*Cats hate water sprayed at them, but love drinking it from toilets, tubs, glasses left out, and plants.

*Cats will not remember you spraying them with water no matter how many times they get on the counter, scratch furniture, or sit on the table....they justwon't.

*Although kitty-litter trained from birth, the possibility of destroying a house plant just for the purpose of sitting in it later and pretending you are in the wild and going to the bathroom is just too much fun....especially when the owner doesn't find it fordays!

*Walmart toys are too expensive, Dollar general toys are nice, but pipe cleaners, toilet paper rolls, pens, and anything expensive or new is much more fun to playwith.

*There is a difference between "Play-bite" and "Play-scratch" and "Real-bite" and "Real-scratch" as we would learn at bath time (more later)

*The reason Noah would not take these cats on the ark? We think she is "Butch" and he is "Gay"...not that there is anything wrong with that! (Much fun watching her MATE with him!) And finally, a little treat from Mastercard commercials to describe what we did on my day off from teaching, and pics. to prove it....Enjoy

Love&Prayers,

Ben

Friday night video: $4

Walmart Eye Exam---$66

Oil Change, new belt, and 41-point tune up---$120

Spending your day off cleaning up your blood frombites and scratches after giving your two kittens abath and having pictures of them to proveit.....Priceless

Emu Email Episode XIII: When you shoot up Lipitor 3 times a day, you might be addicted!

Emuers,

As I sit here at 12:30 a.m. on my last day before I get married, I figured that I should pump out one last bachelorhood Emu Email. In the event that the 14th Emu is not funny at all, then we will know that marriage has turned me serious and that my humor is gone. If I start to write better, you can credit my lovely "wife" whenever you see her. Anyway, on with my story of the current time....

At several points in my Panther Presses and Emu Emails, a reference to food, beer, or the appearance of me "getting fluffier" may have been written. Although I have lost weight lately, my past two (and first two!) blood screenings have informed me that I was either the 4-time champion hotdog eater in a former life or my main diet is uncooked sausage washed down by a tall glass of melted butter. When I inform them that I work out daily, don't eat fast food or smoke, drink a beer a week (if that), and generally try to watch what I eat, they start laughing histerically. Then they realize that I am serious and call me a loser who doesn't know how to have fun!

But luckily for me, modern science has come up with a little pill that can make everything better. For you "sickos" out there, it is not Viagra....although, maybe I will need to be on that too...will find out in a couple of days! Their is a drug known as Lipitor to the doctors..."tripsy lipsy" to users and abusers. I guess from what my Dad has told me, a long-time user himself, is that by "trippin'" daily on these pills, you can eat steaks for dinner and yet your cholesterol goes down. Say again? I don't have to cut red meat out of my diet? Nice! For a guy like me who likes red meat and potatoes daily but has a total cholesterol reading which reads like a Stanford freshman's SAT score and a good cholesterol level that reads like a Iowa Hawkeye football player's ACT score, this sounds great! I resisted the doctor's push on this drug for now (I think he is what they call a "pusher" or a "dealer" on the streets), but I am interested. I am just worried that I will become addicted to this lipitor and start "free basing" it and "shootin" up with it. But as the doctor said, with my cholesterol and triglyceride levels being "elevated" (kind way of saying "way the hell up there"!), taking this pill for the last 75 years of my life is inevitable, so I might as well sell my 189 shares of WorldCom stock and buy a 14 day supply ($20 worth....yes, that's all that crap stock of mine is worth now!) Who knows, maybe my parents will let me borrow their "Seven compartment pill-a-day box" so Ican keep track. I always thought having a box like that meant I was getting old. Then again, I don't drink beer much, don't eat out much, and I think cellphones are annoying, so maybe I am old anyway. By the way, it is 12:50 a.m. now, which is 4 hours past my bedtime, so I better go. Talk later when I am married....

Love&Prayers,

Ben Barry

This letter is dedicated to Reagan Marie (King) Barry, who from the day we first started going out has supported my off-beat humor. She has always supported me in everything that I do and encouraged me to do things that I want to do even if others thought I was an idiot. I think she just accepted that I was an idiot and went with it. For that, I thank her. I love you hon....and I am counting down the hours (36 hours 10 mins) until we are married.

Emu Email Episode XII: You are suing for the price one hamburger and emotional damages?

Emuers....

Shakespeare was known to write "comedies", but as we read them they are known as "tragedies" with usually sad, deadly endings. But that's what makes them comedies....bad things and tragedy happening all the time. Think of comedians, you can't be one unless you have gone through hell! You can't get up on stage and say "So I got this promotion today, damn that sucked! Anyway, after I got my raise, I bought a boat and the motor didn't even come free! In addition to that, I had to still pay for life vests because its the law!" Yeah, not funny....but if the guy lost his job and made jokes about his boss and the company he worked for and how he got run over by a boat while walking home on the street....now that's comedy. Well, I feel my first 2 weeks of summer has had some tragedy...I will try to see if it translates to comedy....try to follow...

I was going to make a long story short, but halfway through it was already long so I deleted and started over. I will try to paraphrase things in nice neat headings, but never fear, its still long!

*Apartments: I am currently renting 2. I have 2 deposits down, one for each. I am not doing this b/c I think this is a wise real estate investment. I do understand that you are supposed to buy land and realty and not just rent multiple places. I am doing this because my previous landlord tried to screw me over and make me pay full rent because she says she has to do everything strictly by contract (I gave her 25 days notice, not 30 as it states!). Well, when Dad noticed a small error in her magnificent contract, saying that rent was $255 (actually my old rent, but she said to write it!), and not the $450 that I was paying and showed it to her threatening a lawsuit for $2340, she changed her attitude quickly. Now we will get almost all our money back and she says she will miss us. We dropped the lawsuit....for now.

Washer/Dryers: We own two sets...but again we have neither of these sets in either of our apartments. Sound confusing? It is. We bought our first set USED from the Baptist Mission House. Money goes to the Mission House...we do good right?? Well, after 3 hours of work the same day we are fighting our landlord in imaginary court for peddly thousands of dollars, neither work. We finally get the dryer to work after what sounded like a hubcab blew through the vent and outside, but the washer looked like a strainer. Later, our downstairs neighbor called about a leak coming from her ceiling, we of course, said "Hmmph, don't know what that could be". At this time, we were taking 5 gallon buckets of water off of our laundry room floor full of soapy water! Well, we had to haul the washer back, which meant finding a pickup. After a week, we found one, hauled it back. One week later, Dad came out and brought our "fixed washer" back to the apartment. Again, it leaked as if it got in a old western gun fight. Did I forget to mention during this 2 hour ordeal this time, we received 4.2 inches of rain, 60 mph winds, and one funnel cloud??? Minor details...So I call the guy today, no money back (even though 2 weeks earlier he said we could!), but he can exchange. WE DON'T WANT YOUR WASHERS AND DRYERS!!! Dad hauled them back and I went to Sears. Ibought the cheapest models they had and they will be here on Tuesday. Mom wanted more court action, Dad again wanted compromise. A 15-minute talk later, and magically he has agreed to give us our money back when he sells those models. Two cases won, no court yet.

*The rest of the things: It took 4 days, 3 fried fuses, and one crazy repair man (certifiable!) to get our refrigerator to work. Although I upgraded my cable TV, I actually get less channels...still trying to figure that one out! Our travel agent booked the wrong cruise date and wouldn't let us get OUR date for the same quoted price...she wanted a mere $1200 extra. Again, we settled out of court after talking with Dad (his real name is Vinny, and he has killed goats and cows for smaller crimes than these!). At the end of the day in which we fought with the landlord, the washer/dryer, and the cable company, we flipped on a light switch and the power went out over 2 city blocks for 3 hours! Two of my stocks went bankrupt and two more are on the verge. And last but definitely not least, after purchasing a 2nd washer/dryer set and calling the other guy trying to get my money back 6 times, I decided to use my 2 for 1 Sonic burger coupon to treat myself to burgers and watch the U.S. Open in the peace and quiet of my own hot, humid apartment...one problem, I went through the drive-thru. When I got home, I noticed I received only one burger, not two as I clearly demanded into the goofy clown's mouth! Now, tomorrow I go back and demand to speak to the manager and request one free burger or my money back. If they refuse, I will call my Dad and he will get my burger back for me!

*Now I know I didn't add too much humor in this letter, but think about it: In my first 2 weeks of my summer break that I have dreamed about ever since my first day of teaching I have found out our cruise was misbooked and we owed $1200 more, I have rented and put down a deposit on 2 apartments and threatened small claims court against an old lady, I have purchased 2 washers and 2 dryers and yet still not done a load of laundry since May 20th, I have upgraded my cable so that I pay $7/month more but get less channels, caused a partial city power outage, and I CAN'T EVEN ORDER A STINKIN' BURGER WITHOUT SOME IDIOT INSIDE A LARGE CLOWN SCREWING UP MY ORDER! Now, again I say....that's comedy. Six more weeks of summer to go, I am sure nothing will go wrong with the wedding!???

Love&Prayers,

Ben

Emu Email, Episode XI: Does this Pocket Protector Make me Look Fat?

Dear subscribers,

When approached by a faculty member (who is considered cool among the faculty!!) if I would like to join his weight loss pool shortly after Christmas, I jumped at the chance to do something with the "in-faculty" and have a chance at being cool myself. When he mentioned I could win a lot of cash, I wiped the drool already dripping down my double-chin and said you bet. His reply...OK, give me $20 and let's go weigh in. Surprisingly, handing $20 of my hard earned pay (one week's salary after taxes, union dues, IPERS, and paying for my own science experiement supplies) turned out to be the painless portion of this process. Note to self: Do not weigh in after gaining 15 pounds in the last 6 years b/c you were active in both high school and college, then move to an unfamiliar town in which you know nobody, start your first job, live by yourself, work night and day teaching hormonal freshmen, attend 7 Christmas dinners and eat 2 desserts at all of them, drink your lunch and supper on New Years and then roll out to school to weigh in for a contest.

The contest is won if you lose 10% of your original weight. No problem...15-17 pounds right? Not if you tip the scales at 197.5!!! Yep, that's right, a nice hefty gain of about 15 pounds since August (I think 10 of them came from Dec. 22nd-Jan 2nd). That meant that I now had to lose 20 pounds in 9 weeks. But with money being involved, this was not a weight-loss plan this was making good on an investment!

First I started exercising on the Nordic Trac I got Reagan for Christmas. Given my coordination was a genectic gift from both my Dad and my Mom, riding this Nordic Trac was like riding a professional bull....if I could stay on for 8 seconds, I considered myself a champion. Well, it took three days and two trips to the ER to check some breaks and cuts in my tissues and bones, but I did finally manage to get my arms and legs to coordinate their movements with the grace of a elepant on a tricycle. Actually, given my weight, the resemblance to that reference was uncanny. As for my diet, no more Hy-Vee fake Oreo cookies, even if they were on sale and it was double-coupon day. The potato chips stayed, the carrot rations were doubled. The pizza stayed, the pop vanished. After 4 days, I weighed 197!! Great start, fat-ass. But then it happened. I worked out over the weekend and kept up my diet, and on Monday, I weighed in at 187 and the faculty suddenly made me the targeted one. Worse yet, I hit 183 by Friday. Down 14 pounds in the first 10 days....I was a shoe-in! Well, with the Christmas fat gone, the rest was tough to lose. With just two weeks to go before Spring Break (weigh-in time), I was still 2 pounds too heavy. Never fear, remembering my investment, I stepped up the workouts and subjected myself to more Wednesday night basketball and by weigh-in time, I was able to eat a doughnut as I weighed in at 174, a drop of 23.5 pounds. For my nine weeks of work, I received $35, a net profit of $15. Sadly, that was better than 7 of my stocks and both my mutual funds during that period. I would like to say that I spent that hard earned cash on a nice juicy steak and a pitcher of beer, but instead I entered that new $15 in three $5 NCAA pools and as I write this, I have officially pissed (sorry Mom) that profit right down a drain named Duke.

But never fear....there is a silver lining to all this story. Nearing the end of my 9-weeks of fitness hell, the faculty all went through a health screening. How did our Fluffy elephant turned Richard Simmons guru turn out? I got a doctor's note citing my astronomically high cholesterol and was told that I have about 10% too much body fat. Again, never fear, I burned 19.2 calories (according to my fat burning book that my health consultant guy gave me) kicking his ass for 5 minutes!

Well, that's it. I have 43 more days of school, 6 hours of sleep to get, and 14 on-sale Hy-Vee cookies to eat before bed. Good night and good day to all.

Love&Prayers,
Ben

PS: I survived my bachelor party, didn't throw up, and still weigh 177 pounds two weeks after the contest ended!

Emu Email Episode X: The Emu emerges for a Spring Thaw!

All,

For those of you that have not received an Emu Email or an old Panther Press, you are in for a treat. In college, I sent out monthly letters to 30 subscribers to my Panther Press in which I ranted about my life and the life of others. I kept up this tradition using an Emu Email, a less expensive version, but still a vain attempt to let you in on some of the boring things that happen in my life that I attempt to make exciting with horrible humor. Some of you even like it! Anyway, without further ado, here is the much anticipated Tenth Episode (I promise, I will not keep you trembling for another 6 months before Episode 11 comes out!):

Well, last we talked I was preparing for my first full-year of teaching. To non-teachers, that means I was getting my pretty posters hung-up around the room, making name tags, and meeting faculty. To real teachers, that means I spent 10 hours a day for two weeks planning lessons, bolting down desks, staplers, tape dispensers, etc, and trying to figure out how to work the computerized grade book and attendance program. Upon finding the 42 staff members smoking outside in the tiny red circle designated for smoking idiots only, they told me that I should also buy a helmet, a chest protector, mace, find a lawyer and a therapist, and oh yeah, learn that sleep is just something you do at lunch. That was all helpful, but the real test came when school started. Let's take a look at some of the regular (but all too real!) events that have taken place in my first 4 months at little Carlisle High!

Things I have been told by my "best" students: "Take your hearing aid out...then maybe you can hear what I said"...by the way, once I did as my proud student told me to, he repeated what he said much quieter..."This is Bullshit!". Thank you for advising me to take my Hearing aid out. If not, I would not have known my rules were Bullshit. "Step off!"....Yeah, that was told to me on my first full moon in study hall upon breaking up a fight. The fight occured THROUGH me as I took roll. Apparently these students couldn't wait until I stepped away from them and wanted to use me as a cushion between their pre-pubescent chests. The good news is that both made it to the office safely with me between them translating their obscenity-laced remarks back and forth. Josh said "I don't like you"...Andrew has replied "I don't like you either or your birth mother". Josh is in agreement as he replies "I don't like your birth mother as he should know since they had a male-female relationship." Andrew replies "I know, she said that you may not be male, but in fact not human. By the way, I still don't like you." (Remember, these were not their words, just my nicer translations!) Don't worry, I didn't tell 15 year-old Josh's Parole officer about it (HE HAS ONE!) Ahhh...full moons, teachers love 'em!

And the one where I really lost my cool in front of my whole study hall was when I told an out-of-control student "You LISTEN TO ME!"....He stood up and stared at me and yelled "No...You LISTEN TO ME!". Needlessto say, I lost it and for the next 3 days in study hall, I was not messed with. The student is currently recovering quite nicely in a nearby hospital.

Finally, teachers are also used to comments that just make us feel horrible, but we are thick skinned and quick-witted. Before break, I had a student tell me after kicking his friend out, "You know Mr. Barry, that is why students hate you!". Of course I responded with "My name is rubber, your name is Glue. Whatever bounces off me, sticks to you!". That would have been great if I did respond with that, but instead I said "Whatever." D'oh!

Anyway, that is about it. Oh, I left out the 2 sickening crushes, the student who thinks ceramic toilet paper will change the world, dealing with 2 tragedies (9-11 and a sophomore being killed in a car accident over Christmas break), a minor hairstyle change that sent shock waves throughout the 9th graders, and the fact that a 60-hour work week seems like cake if I can get it. Not much else from here except that you can count on more from the Emu as I have 2 bachelor parties, trips to N.C., Chicago, Ireland/England, and a cruise planned this year, as well as a wedding during July sometime. Talk later and hope to get back to you soon with an even better (and shorter) Emu Email.

Love&Prayers,

Ben

This Emu is in memory of Tracy Carpenter, a sophomore who was killed much too early over break. Students everwhere die much too early, but it always hurts worse when it is someone you know.