Emu Email Episode IV: By my count, I am 23, but my math may be a little fuzzy.

Dear all,
To those of you who dug a bomb shelter when you went a month without an Emu Email fearing the world was finally ending, don't worry, here is an issue to take with you while you wait....

For those of you who don't know or just plain forgot, I turned 23 yesterday. This got me to thinking what do I know or what have I learned in what could very well be the real 1/4th point in my life? Also, what have I yet to learn or still don't know? Well, this is what I thought:

*I know that I like Barf casserole, peanut butter and corn syrup, and lemon rines.
*I know that I don't like seafood, Chinese food, or anything with nuts.
*I know that my favorite sport teams, the Celtics, Bengals, and Royals, have a combined record of 589-1803 in the last 11 years of my life but I still love them.
*I know that whenever Jim Carrey talks out of his butt I am going to laugh no matter how gross it is.
*I know to always split aces and 8s, always double-down on 11, and always bet on the dog that pees first.
*I know that you should never forget your high school sweetheart, especially if you are getting married to her.
*I know that I have voted in every presidential election that I was legal for whether or not my vote was counted by machine, person, or recently released criminally insane people.
*I know that what goes up must not always come down: positiveness, smiles, attitude, progress, success, motivation, work ethic, and men with a constant supply of viagra (Ouch, couldn't resist though)
*I know that I can finally say Shit, Damn, and Bastard in front of my parents and not get a bar of soap in my mouth.
*I also know that I still can't say the F-word or I will eat soap for dinner that night with a glass of "Ivory liquid soap" to wash it down.
*I know there are two forms of classroom management: proactive and reactive. Proactive is dealing with misbehavior and preventing it before it happens. Reactive is drinking a 12-pack after school in your own home. Both give you headaches but I have a lot more fun with the reactive method!
*I know that family and friends are the most important things in life to me.
*I know that I still chuckle when I think my Dad actually stopped to help someone out of the snowy ditch as he drove my laboring mother to the hospital 23 years and one day ago today.

Now, what have I yet to learn.
*I still don't know the winner of the damn election! I want to learn how a nation who helps nations around the world set up democracies and election processes, can screw up their own so badly.
*I don't know the meaning of life and doubt that I ever will until I die.
*I don't know what I am getting for Christmas this year.
*I don't know why Jim Carrey did not get nominated for an Oscar for Truman Show or Man in the Moon, but won the Golden Globe for both. ("Grinch" opens in a week!)
*I don't know if global warming is true or not, but it is damn cold in Iowa right now!
*I don't know where I will teach next year, but I am going to be armed with a bullet-proof vest, a book of often-used slang, and a case of Ridalin.
*I don't know why it is so funny when someone slips on ice, but it just is.
*I don't know why businesses put up Christmas lights on Nov. 1st, but I do know I have received a Christmas card already (from Joe and Chrissy Barry) but I will not mention their names. (On Nov. 9th--way too early)
*I don't know why this Emu Email is so long, but hey I haven't sent one in a month and don't worry I am done....for now.

Hope all of you are doing well and you have a great weekend!

Love&Prayers,
Ben

Emu Email Episode III: Ouch, that thing is pointy!!

Dear all,

Yes, I have given you some time to rethink, debate,and reread my last two Emus, but now it is time for a third. So without further ado....

Now, I have always heard that fashions come and go and from what I have seen around Marshalltown Senior High, I hope they go more than they come. I am going to try to break down the fashion and personality groups as I see them and I am sure you can find this in most high schools around the country (maybe even the good little Catholic schools!)

*1) First we have one of the most frightening groups. They could either be under the "Where are the parents in this child's life" group or the "British haircuts of the 1980s" group. Yes, this group seems to sport around spiked hair of an unnatural color and they are proud of it. Upon running into a young man with the top of his head consisting of 17 tight spikes that extended about 6 inches off of his scalp and dyed bright neon green, I had to check to see if I was bleeding. He was unscathed, but I needed medicalattention due to being impaled in about seven areas. Damn, that hurt! Anyway, there are a few of these but they are by far the most noticeable.

*2) The second group is a growing group among all ages: "Gothic fashion" (yes, Anne, you are familiar with this style). What must have been normal children at one time who played on swings, fed the family dog, and didn't smoke until the late age of 10, they have now turned into Darth Maul wanna-bes in search of the Jedi force. You will be able to pick these students out as they wear all black (or various shades) and their blonde or red hair has now been lost to multiple cans of motor oil out of a 1984 Honda (and yes, it is the original oil it came with). These students are also very quiet when responding to questions as they must be probing you to see if you are a defender of freedom and enemy of the darkside. Although quite brilliant, these students tend to spend their time brooding over philisophical questions and checking out which shades of black are going to be in this winter. I hear "slate" is the up and comer.

*3) The students who can only be seen in brand name clothes are another big group. I actually have one student that with the exception of his coveted FSU shirt, he has worn Tommy Hilfiger top and bottoms every day this year (26 days). That is no joke. This group is commonly called the "preppies". With me being anti-brand name (I shop only at K-Mart and Sams and have never owned a pair of shoes over $25), I despise this crowd. Their Tommys, Gaps, and Doc Martens seem to mock my Route 66, Billy Blass, and Hanes. Oh well, I own World Com and they don't. I must admit, they do attract the opposite sex better than my Kangaroo shirt, Buster jeans, and New Balance shoes ever did when I was in high school. But hey, I attracted one (Reagan) and that was all I ever needed!

*4)Finally there is the group of women that threaten everything our school dress code was meant to protect. Unfortunately the teachers seem to look the other way. No, they don't wear shirts promoting drugs or sex. No, they don't wear shirts promoting violence. The problem is that we just wish they would wear t-shirts. This group seems to think every day is actually a night in which they plan to pick up a guy at the local night club (aka. Sharky's at UNI). The tops look like gym shorts we wore in the late 80s and the bottoms look like men's underwear. I haven't seen this much cleavage since Spring Break in Jamaica! The glitter in the hair, face, and sparkles on the shirt almost make me wear sunglasses in class. Bras?? Yeah, right, not with these women. That would just make the young boys hate them. Yes, these women are definitely on the right track towards a promising future. But hey, winter is coming, I am sure they will start wearing jeans and sweatshirts to school, right?

Well, that is all. Just a note to tell you that I am doing good and am about to switch over to teach middle schoolers which will surely bring many more stories to my head. Have a great week all and cheer on the ISU Cyclones to a big victory.

Ben "Billy Blass rules" Barry

Emu Email Episode II: Pucker up, its good for you...

Dear all,

Prepare for another Emu Email because here it comes:

The walk home was brutal, after all I was only 11 years old and I had cut over 1000 thistles in the last 4 hours and the temperature with heat index had to be over 100 degrees. (Not to mention at $4/hour I was making .002 cents per thistle cut!) My older brothers were of course in the air conditioning playing video games with friends (that's how I remember it anyway..)Upon arriving home I complained of being sick from the heat and Mom said I didn't look good. Without even asking me if I would like it, she poured a spoonful of salt down my throat. She said I needed the salt because I lost too much salt from sweating. It tasted horrible but did the trick. Next time I got heat exhaustion I was determined to find a better way to cure my ailment. How about Pickle juice? I alreadylove to drink it and it contains lots of salt. Whatdo you know, it did the trick. For the next 11 years, I relied on pickle juice to give me my energy back when I over heated from the sun. I even learned that pickles have all sorts of ions and electrolytes that your body needs, even more than gatorade (this is why a little girl hooked a pickle up to electricity on the Letterman show and wowed the audience when it glowed blue---the electricity bounced all over with so many ions) Well, back to my story. Who knew that I could have started the pickle juice craze long before football teams did. Why, I could have even been the pitch man for Vlasic Pickles much like that fatso did for subway because he pigged out on their sandwiches all day long and lost 15 pounds after a four hour daily workout! I could have been famous! For those of you who don't know, many pro and college football teams now have jugs of pickle juice at practices and games to fight off dehydration and it all started with me! (Although a recent article says the pickle juice idea originated from UNI---yeah, and Gore invented the Internet)

Well, hey what else is new with my life. I have missed out on many get rich ideas in the past and there will be many in the future that I will miss. I will just stick to playing Powerball, the only sure way to get rich...

For those of you who are also interested in what is going on with me: I am doing well in Marshalltown. I have started teaching more and more and my first evaluation went super. I am going to the ISU/Iowa game this weekend, a wedding in Iowa City the following weekend, UNI's homecoming the 3rd weekend, and starting October by watching ISU beat the Huskers in Ames. Somewhere in that span I will try to work in teaching full time, but that comes 2nd. I hope all of you are doing well and have a great week. Remember: Feeling down or just under the weather, pour yourself a glass of pickle juice, the elixir of life!

Love&Prayers,

Ben "I used Tae-bow workouts long before Billy Blanks ever did!" Barry

To London Barrys who don't get Iowa news:

*Iowa: 0-2, ISU 2-0.

*They play this week in I. City, will keepyou updated, although you should be able to guess whowill win...