Emu Email Episode XXI: Once in a Blue Moon...

Emuers,

You ever hear the saying, "Once in a Blue Moon"? Well, this month answers that question. On July 3rd, we had a full moon. 28 days later, on July 31st, we will have another full moon. Two full moons in one month! This happens every 2.5 years or so and we callthe 2nd full moon in one month....a BLUE MOON! So this ends our astronomy and science lesson, now let's figure out what happens in my life "once in a bluemoon"...

On the first full moon, I should have known this month would be eventful. We left our basement idle, after our contractor got off to such a good start he decided to take a 5-day weekend. No problem, he says he can finish by Aug. 1st, a day after the 2nd fullmoon. The luck kept going when even though I lost the last 4 races at the horse track, we saw great fireworks and Reagan won her first ever Slot Machine Jackpot! After taxes....$50. Biggest jackpot we ever won. OK, the only time we ever one on those stupid machines. Now that the weekend is over, time for me to finish my season and join the #1 High School baseball team in the state. Our freshman lost our last doubleheader, losing a 5-0 lead by allowing 11 runs in one inning when Coach Barry thought it would be nice to get everyone in the last game. With a 10-man team, it was only one sub, but with only 6 fans at the game, most believe that excuse. We finished the year 12-20, 3 times more wins in one month than this team had in 2 years of Jr. High baseball. My career coaching record is now 26-50. Oh well, its money and genetically speaking, I was going to lose my hair anyway. Upon joining the varsity, our 23-3 team, we went 3-4 with me on the bench, including a first round loss to an unranked team. Good news, we still finished #1 in the polls. Oh by the way, we are now a week behind in our basement but with carpet coming on the 7th of August and a teacher party a week later, we are still ontarget for those dates...

Cheering me up in mid-July was our anniversary in Omaha. A quick rundown: Orangatan wrestles other orangatan...one loses finger in bloody battle in front of 30 six-year olds, 3 legged-tiger plays with cubs, hotel room had in-room hot tub with view of TV with 2 ESPNS-Ben doesn't leave tub rest of weekend, Ben wins Blackjack for $100, Reagan loses money in stupid slot machine, Ben teaches Reagan how to play Blackjack, we return home. Also, my brother Brian and Kelly are having twin girls. I think they are hoping this happens every blue moon so that in 5 years, they have 7 kids...right?? And West Harrison makes the StateTournament in baseball. Hey, if Carlisle can't make it, its good to see the ol' high school with the same great coach (Kim...make sure Tony sees this!) make the tourney 2 straight years. They lost first round, but next season looks good already.

And now for my favorite part: Ordered Direct TV who sent Jon out to install it. Not even I can describe this guy in words, but let me try. Somewhere between 12-24 in both age and IQ. Dyed-blond hair with more tattoos and piercings than my low-level science class combined. Absolutely no clue how to install DirectTV, let alone how to operate his ladder or drill. Needless to say, after 7 hours in our home, confused at why one TV didn't work even though it wasn't plugged in, 42 trips through our livingroom and 17 trips to our roof looking for where cable entered our house even though each time he walked by we told him cable enters in the garage, he left us with a great TV picture, a satellite stuck in our roof with 17 cables strung like Christmas lights around our house, and his quote when the TV didn't work b/c he forgot about plugging it in: "Sorry, when things don't work, I just get stupid". Apparently, birth didn't work for this kid. He still sleeps under our deck which is strange...

To round out the rest of the month: A trip with my brothers and Dad on his birthday by train to St. Louis to catch a game. Drunk Coleen joined us and thought since we had beer we were the coolest, until she stood up and forgot us...then met us all over again. And lastly, trying to help Jaquien finish dry wall our basement since Ron, the original drywall man, flew to Vegas and got married 3 days before he started our place and then lost motivation to work since he is so happy in marriage. He was fired but didn't care due to his happiness. But all that put us another week or two behind. The basement will now be finished after school starts and most likely our cats will spend more time and get more use out of it over the next 9 months than I ever will. Oh well...just another Summer and just another Blue Moon.

Take care and enjoy what's left of the summer, especially you educators!

Sincerely,

Ben Barry

Emu Email Episode XIX: HDTV started this madness...

All,

It has been months since my last Emu Email that told you all about my crazy summer and how many jobs I was doing this school year. Well, Christmas Break is over and I am working all 4 jobs again, but I felt it necessary to tell you of the craziness that is occuring in Des Moines these days and I believe HDTV started it all. I do not mean High-Definition TV, I mean Howard Dean on TV! Here's what I think...

By now, most of you have seen and heard multiple times Howard try to set a Guiness Book World Record by reciting the most states under a minute. He ended up with 23. Not bad, Bush did 4 (New Florida, Texas Tech, and Arkinsousas were all ruled as "non-states"). His strange defeat "cackle" can still be heard on one of our local radio stations that advertises chances to call and win "crazy cash" at the sound of Dean's "hoo-yah". But this was only the start. When the politicians left, they left behind cold and misery. Starting with that Monday, our warmest day at 15 degrees, it has been a frozen hell. We are now 2 weeks out and cabin fever has set in. For those of you that saw the Shining with Jack Nickelson, cabin fever is affecting us all. Not to mention that Dean actions rival Jack's late movie craziness and his wife is as close as a look-alike to Jack's movie wife as I have ever seen...that is scary enough! Also, both have deranged kids! Now, for you non-northerners, weeks on end of below zero high temps and getting an inch of snow or more every frickin' day can drive even sane people mad. As I write, the Des Moines area is quietly contemplating a week that saw 7 gun-deaths and an eighth gun-death by suicide of one of the murderers that fled to Colorado after doing a double-homicide....and he was a sixteen year-old student at a top high school!! Now, you would think that warmer temps today would curb all of that (it is currently 12 degrees), but the weather forecasters who are on 2 packs of "No dose" and chewing coffee beans like they're peanuts, are tuning into data apparently from one of the Mars Rovers that says we can expect 2 more inches of snow today, 3 tomorrow and another 8-10 overnight Sunday into Monday. It was the stupid forecast of snow last week that started this murder spree! About the only two spots in town in which people have not gone crazy is on my basketball team and at Walmart. My team is 1-12 and we just gave another team their first victory. That's why I like coaching: you either win or you let the other team win and run around like they won the lottery even though all they did was beat a team on a 12-game losing streak (we were 1-0 at one point). We have 6 more games left barring any snow. Of course Walmart shoppers were crazy to begin with and those people continue to buy back-scratchers, coozies with NASCAR car numbers on them, and inflateable toothbrushes all because a "crazy" oversized yellow happy face says that it is marked down 2 cents for the next 19 hours! Heck with fingerprinting passengers into the U.S., just fingerprint Wal-Mart shoppers, they are much more dangerous because they are unstable! Anyway, let's figure out the problem and possible solutions to this cabin fever we are experiencing in Des Moines:

Cold weather: very likely as weather has been proven to affect people's moods. No solution. The forecast is calling for 6 of the next 10 days to be snowy and all 10 days to be 20 degrees below our average. Time to pop my synthroid pills like they were PEZ candy.

Dean: Possible. This guy is just demented and he could have left a spell on us Iowans. He finally paid his $800 lunch bill yesterday after 3 weeks of the restaurant writing him. He wants to lead our country, but he can't even mangage his own finances. Solution: His campaign is solving this for us. Dean will be just a memory soon and we can all go back to a normal, completely sane, leader: George W.M.D. Bush

Finally, my one movie to make my Top 10 (out of 330) of movies in the past 2 years, "Bowling for Columbine", might have the real problem but no real solution: Fear. Every day, we watch the news and they put fear in us. Today, before writing this, I now fear flights to the U.S. (5 were grounded), the Iraqi's (3 more U.S. soldiers killed), the bird flu--KFC has stopped serving chicken over seas...that makes me REAL fearful...I LOVE FRIED CHICKEN (i think KFC chicken could kill you regardless of some flu),and I fear random murders that all people in DesMoines are supposed to be on the look-out for. But fear sells and people watch to get informed of what to be fearful of and I watch too and am now afraid to check my email, because one of my 28 bulk emails might be the next big virus (none were...all but one were to increase the size of my manhood, the other was asking me to enlarge my chest). So what is the real solution? I don't know. All I know is I went out and rented 3 movies for a buck a piece at the library and brought all school work home.I plan to say bring on the snow, a snow day, a cancelled game, and watch CNBC to see if my Satelite radio company (Sirius--SIRI---for those of you with some money you are looking to invest!!) goes through the roof so that I can rig the upcoming Groundhog appearance so that the Groundhog either sees his shadow and personally ends our frozen 2-foot of snow hell or he sees his own personal grave. As I look back, this weather has turned an animal lover like me into a groundhog assassin. I guess the weather can get the best of us all...

Love&Prayers,

Crazy Uncle Benny