All,
First off, I hope this email can bring a smile to everyone's face in this time of war and seemingly 24 hours a day news of death, destruction, terror, and a sinking economy. I am not pro-war or pro-Bush by any means, but now that it is started, my thoughts and prayers are with not only our troops, but with the leaders and people of all countries. Now...let's talk about me!
Apparently something went wrong in college or just shortly after, or the lack of a medical checkup for those four years really screwed me up. Granted it could have been the alcohol consumption, but I have never seen any studies proving that stuff is bad for you. But anyway, over my 2 years at Carlisle, I have had two health screenings. Last year, as some of you may remember, my cholesterol made one of our town nurses leave a sobbing message on my machine at home pleading for me to get help before I die! This screening had many more fun tests and numbers to analyze....so hear we go!!!
TEST #1: Cholesterol: Desired range...below 200. Last year's results 270. So, I spent the offseason working out, getting married, not eating red meat, reading labels and was ready for a huge decline. Of course....I broke the 22-year old school record with a reading of 324 (up 19% for you statisticians). YES! Apparently, gargling every morning with bacon grease is starting to have an effect.
TEST #2: Blood Sugar: Desired range with 8 hour fast...below 110. My result: 111. YES!! 2 for 2! Due to the fact I usually score much further out of range, I was disappointed.
TEST #3: Body Fat: Desired range: less than 18%. Me??? Fluffier than ever! 24%, but hey, that was down 2% from 2002. Damn...improvement, I hate that!
TEST #4 (the one that caused me a doctor visit just this morning!): TSH (thyroid): Desired range: .4-8. My score....wait....237.8!!! A whopping 230 points over. According to at least 3 different doctors, that is the highest score they have ever seen!!! YES...perfection, but I know I can do better.
So anyway, I went to the doctor to discuss why I am still attempting to breath and function when I am dead on paper already. He was amazed to see the shape I was in since he expected a 350 pound NASCAR fan who considers scratching his ass during the big race to be vigorous exercise (which I don't deny...it if itches, it can be alot of work at times!). He called the looks of me and the looks of my results a head-scratcher....gee, thanks for the confidence Doc, here's my life savings for your brilliant deduction! So, he did what any doctor would do, ordered a EKG, a TSH, and an LFT. (I tried rearranging the letters to spell "death kid" but ran out of vowels). I told him my RBI levels were low...he was confused. I said"RBI" means "Runs Batted In" and I only had 14 my senior year in baseball. He frowned and wrote something on my chart. Now I'm on Prozac or something! The EKG itself was very interesting, which don't worry, according to Reagan I flunked that one too because my heart didn't do a bunch of things right. Hooking up the EKG to my body was alot like Dad untangling the Christmas lights and hooking them up to the tree each year, except for the nurse didn't use the same 14 swear words mixed into one long word like Dad always did. (my favorite: Fucashiasssobitchomania....seriously, he's used that one!) Anyway, they got the 19+ cords hooked up and fired electrodes or microwaves or gamma rays through me and then we were done. All in all, besides my high cholesterol, triglycerides, body fat, LDL, glucose, TSH levels and my low pulse, heartrate, and IQ...I am fixture of wellness. But I am very concerned about all these results. That is why today, on my Spring Break, I plan to sit on my rear for 12 straight hours and eat pizza, drink beer, and watch basketball making sure that at some point I reserve at least 30 minutes for some vigorous ass-scratching. Please pray for me that I may live to see my stocks come out of bankruptcy one last time...it always brings a smile to my face. Have a good one and pray for peace.
Love&Prayers,
Ben "health age: 67" Barry
First off, I hope this email can bring a smile to everyone's face in this time of war and seemingly 24 hours a day news of death, destruction, terror, and a sinking economy. I am not pro-war or pro-Bush by any means, but now that it is started, my thoughts and prayers are with not only our troops, but with the leaders and people of all countries. Now...let's talk about me!
Apparently something went wrong in college or just shortly after, or the lack of a medical checkup for those four years really screwed me up. Granted it could have been the alcohol consumption, but I have never seen any studies proving that stuff is bad for you. But anyway, over my 2 years at Carlisle, I have had two health screenings. Last year, as some of you may remember, my cholesterol made one of our town nurses leave a sobbing message on my machine at home pleading for me to get help before I die! This screening had many more fun tests and numbers to analyze....so hear we go!!!
TEST #1: Cholesterol: Desired range...below 200. Last year's results 270. So, I spent the offseason working out, getting married, not eating red meat, reading labels and was ready for a huge decline. Of course....I broke the 22-year old school record with a reading of 324 (up 19% for you statisticians). YES! Apparently, gargling every morning with bacon grease is starting to have an effect.
TEST #2: Blood Sugar: Desired range with 8 hour fast...below 110. My result: 111. YES!! 2 for 2! Due to the fact I usually score much further out of range, I was disappointed.
TEST #3: Body Fat: Desired range: less than 18%. Me??? Fluffier than ever! 24%, but hey, that was down 2% from 2002. Damn...improvement, I hate that!
TEST #4 (the one that caused me a doctor visit just this morning!): TSH (thyroid): Desired range: .4-8. My score....wait....237.8!!! A whopping 230 points over. According to at least 3 different doctors, that is the highest score they have ever seen!!! YES...perfection, but I know I can do better.
So anyway, I went to the doctor to discuss why I am still attempting to breath and function when I am dead on paper already. He was amazed to see the shape I was in since he expected a 350 pound NASCAR fan who considers scratching his ass during the big race to be vigorous exercise (which I don't deny...it if itches, it can be alot of work at times!). He called the looks of me and the looks of my results a head-scratcher....gee, thanks for the confidence Doc, here's my life savings for your brilliant deduction! So, he did what any doctor would do, ordered a EKG, a TSH, and an LFT. (I tried rearranging the letters to spell "death kid" but ran out of vowels). I told him my RBI levels were low...he was confused. I said"RBI" means "Runs Batted In" and I only had 14 my senior year in baseball. He frowned and wrote something on my chart. Now I'm on Prozac or something! The EKG itself was very interesting, which don't worry, according to Reagan I flunked that one too because my heart didn't do a bunch of things right. Hooking up the EKG to my body was alot like Dad untangling the Christmas lights and hooking them up to the tree each year, except for the nurse didn't use the same 14 swear words mixed into one long word like Dad always did. (my favorite: Fucashiasssobitchomania....seriously, he's used that one!) Anyway, they got the 19+ cords hooked up and fired electrodes or microwaves or gamma rays through me and then we were done. All in all, besides my high cholesterol, triglycerides, body fat, LDL, glucose, TSH levels and my low pulse, heartrate, and IQ...I am fixture of wellness. But I am very concerned about all these results. That is why today, on my Spring Break, I plan to sit on my rear for 12 straight hours and eat pizza, drink beer, and watch basketball making sure that at some point I reserve at least 30 minutes for some vigorous ass-scratching. Please pray for me that I may live to see my stocks come out of bankruptcy one last time...it always brings a smile to my face. Have a good one and pray for peace.
Love&Prayers,
Ben "health age: 67" Barry
