Emu Email Episode XVIII: Out goes summer, in comes 120 pubescent kids

All,
Its August 9th and a Saturday and I find myself at school working. So it's just to do this email and research Fantasy Football, BUT the point is that its a Saturday and I am at school and that must mean school is near. Actually, we start with teachers on the 15th and students on the 20th, so it is very close. But before I am bombarded with 120 15 year-olds that think farting is a cool way to break test-taking silence, think deodrant and showers are for nerds, and think teachers really can't hear thier "private, but all too audible" weekend party stories, let's have a look back at one of the more eventful summers in my life:

May 23rd: School's out, my 9th baseball team looks awesome, Reagan got a job, and we are house hunting:

June 2nd: After looking at 36 homes in 10 days, we buy a house in the Easter Lake region of Des Moines. I can't wait to mow the lawn and get a tan! Our high school baseball team looks great, my 9th graders start tomorrow.

June 3rd: We sweep a doubleheader...we will be unbeatable. I get burned at the game b/c I forgot sunscreen. Kids laugh at me. I hate kids.

June 20th: Halfway through the season we are 11-5 and split a double header. Our best player practically breaks his ankle on home plate scoring the game-winning run while looking at 1 of our 9 fans in the stands....his 18 year-old girlfriend. He's out for the season. I hate hormones. Later at a team picnic, another player severly sprains his ankle playing basketball...he is out for the season. I hate ourteam.

July 4th: Go to KC to get away from team, kids, and house that is way to much work. Light off some illegal fireworks, drink some beer...feeling much better about life. Burn from 1st game finally gone a month later and I am back to bone white or off white, I forget.

July 10th: Parents attend final game of the year. We lose both and finish 13-15...a losing record and with 11 guys (at times we only had 9!). We were winning 4-1 with 3 outs left to get and the other team added to their 2 hits with 5 straight hits to win. I am done with baseball for one full year...thankfully. Return home to our 2 new kittens Bo and Jangles. We have no more living plants, working curtains, or couches with corners. How can something so small be so destructive? Actually, my parents wondered that when I was 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 years old. Very odd.

August 7th: Reagan lets a curious Bo look at the candle then leaves unattended.

August 8th: Bo has 3 "eye-whiskers" that are short and curled, obviously burned. Bo, for some reason, fears fire and the counters now. Ben considers using fire to deter Jangles who now does not mind hissing, swatting, water squirting, water-blasted, and field-goal kicking when she does something wrong. By the way, after mowing lawn twice, I have not mowed it since July 14th. It is now dormant b/c our last rain was predicted by Noah. I didn't want to mow anyway.

So that pretty much somes up our summer. Oh yeah, we have had 12 overnight visitors and 7 day visitors on 16 different days since we have moved in, I cracked my nose in baseball practice, our high school won state in baseball and 2nd in softball and both teams return everybody (at state we have had 6 team appearances, 2 wrestlers, and 6 tracksters in the last 17 months at Carlisle), we hired 17 new teachers for our district that is doubling in size from 2000-2005, I sealed my parents deck and got re-sunburned and sealed my toes together and my hair into a ball, I accepted 3 jobs for the new schoolyear: Teacher Association President, Honor Society Sponsor, and 9th grade basketball coach (WHY?), and I cry myself to sleep every night thinking this may not really be the magical year for the KC Royals. Oh well...I better go"work", its always tough to be ready for 120 hormonal, wild, stinky, whining, potty-mouth imbeciles, but that's why I love to teach!

Love&Prayers,
Ben Barry

Emu Email Episode XVII: Are you the school's hockey coach too?

All,
It started out like any other day...they always do. I had pitched to 10 batters in the batting cage 2 hours prior to our game, not unlike I have a dozen other times. My only worry was heat exhaustion due to the fact it was near 90 and I had heat exhaustion 2 weeks earlier pitching batting practice on a much cooler day. Then it happened. Tim Hill, one of my nicest players, hit a line drive. It rose up and skimmed the top of the batting cage net, making me think that it would just drop harmlessly. I found out I was wrong a split-second later as the ball introduced itself to my nose, eye socket, and all the blood above my neck. I went down and my first sight was two full hand fulls of blood, to which my players started yelling for help. I was bleeding from both nostrels and two new holes in my nose. I decided this was the time for me to influence my ballplayers, 14 fine young boys using this summer to jump-start their journey to manhood. As a mentor and a coach, my reaction would influence their path to adulthood in away no one else could. I could say, "If you ain't bleeding, you ain't trying!". I could bounce to my feet and yell, "Now that's how I want you guys to hit today! No mercy!". I could also get up and say, "Stepback in the batter's box....you still have one more pitch left. Who care's about this scratch!". But I did none of these. Instead, I rolled into a fetal position and screamed for my mommy, my wife, and a priest as I was sure I was dying! By now, the blood was all over my hands, the grass, my clothes and was showing no signs of stopping. I did attempt some humor, which my players laughed and thought maybe I was OK. But when I looked at them face-to-face and they all gasped and looked away, I knew my face was changed forever. Anyway, I made my way up to the office to phone Reagan, making sure to bleed on the phone, phonebook, and nearby computer keyboard (I had to check my email since I figured I would be at the doctor's office for awhile!). Reagan told me to go to the Carlisle doctor as her office was jam-packed. After regaining composure, I cleaned off the phone, phonebook, and keyboard (and checked for new emails), and then went to the doctor. You would think a local baseball coach with his nose split in two and blood pouring out would be first in line...but no, I spent 5 minutes in chairs and then 30 minutes in a room before the doctor saw me. He claimed I did this on purpose just to see him again (Since my health was back in line, I hadn't seen him in weeks!!). Anyway, my nose was not even broken, just a small crack. Isn't that sad, not even one of my best hitters can break my nose with his hardest hit!!
Well, I made it back to the game...we were in the 2nd game. We won the first 9-5 without me and were down 5-0 in the 2nd inning of this one. They vowed to win and win they did, 6-5. All of this made me of reasons this was good for me:

*My glasses fit much better now since my nose is double its regular size.
*I get more looks from women. I think b/c I have a rugged look with my face and its 23-day growth facial hair (you can see it too!). Reagan says its because I look "freakish".
*My players responded with 2 wins...good coaches win, great coaches go to great lengths to win! I struck fear in their players as I jokingly told two of their players, "Watch out for the 2nd baseman, he hits this hard!", then showed them my face. Onestarted to cry.
Anyway, almost all of this is factual (not all of my Emus are completely true). To prove this, I have included 3 pictures of my face, 2 hours later, 12 hours later, and 24 hours later. The one thing I am excited about is that I finally figured out what Grandpa George meant when he said "Get your nosehard!". Once all repaired, I think my nose finally will be! Enjoy the summer!

Love&Prayers,
Coach Ben Barry

Emu Email Episode XVI: Change is good...right??

Emuers,

No particular theme this time except change. I wasn't sure what to write about, but I knew it had to send something out b/c it had been 2 months since my last issue and for some of you, this is one of the top 3 highlights to your summer. So without further ado, here is what has happened to us the last 2 months...

Health: Last we talked, I was on my death bed and had penned my will and bought a very cheap styrofoam coffin (hey...styrofoam takes years to breakdown...why not?). Anyway, I have recoverd thanks to 100s of little pills that I take before and after every breath. Although I do not know my latest cholesterol numbers (I will get those this week), my thyroid hormone level is back close to in-line. On the downside, I now sleep close to 23 minutes a day, laugh hysterically at dish soap commercials, and bite my tongue whenever I have a food craving. The doctor says this is normal...who am I to argue? I happen to believe that I have my will to live back and my humor back too...which is nice. I now have a running tab down at the family clinic and we have become such good friends we plan to exchange Christmas cards this December.

JOB: I am still attempting to teach my students the dangers of drugs and selling stocks in a bear market as well as correcting their grammar when they swear at me. Reagan however has undergone great changes in this department. After working part-time for a year and having no luck finding full-time employment in an impossible market, 3 full-time offers showed up within 3 days and we had to choose. One was for less than 30 hours a week at $48 an hour, but in Sioux Falls, SD. The best option was a regular 8-5 job just north of here at a Pleasant Hill Family Practice. We took that one and she starts tomorrow. If you live close by, she would love to be your family physician. I highly recommend her! So this means many more changes....

LIVING QUARTERS: We are spending our final month in our dilapedated apartment which due to a crappy AC has reached 87 already this year! (it was only 81 outside that day!) We are trying to bid on a house in the Easter Lake region of SE Des Moines today or tomorrow. It is a 3BED/3BATH 2-story home built in 1998. This means it still has some tax abatement left and the neighborhoodis still growing. It has an unfinished basement, but we are hoping some of Reagan's family can finish that off this winter or next adding a rec room and a bedroom. We are WAY excited about owning our own home and getting started on our family. Kittens will come first as they are top priority. If we can handle them without killing them in 6 months again :(, we will give a shot at the child thing. How hard can that be...hell, my brothers can do it and they couldn't even keep their 4-H calves in their pen!

And lastly, and I think most importantly, besides coaching 9th baseball (forgot to mention that earlier), I have already accomplished a major thing this summer. I extended my Top 250 movies of all-time list into a Top 330 movies of all time list. I have attached that for all of you to admire and for some of you to wonder if I really do only sleep 23 minutes a day and devote the rest of the time to ranking movies! A great site helps you to rank all movies you have seen. It is www.movielens.umn.edu It is fun and amazing to see how many movies you truly have seen. I guessed I would have somewhere near 300 and I have already ranked 700 over the past 2 years. Anyway, please keep us in your prayers as we try to buy a house and work different jobs. We hope to be moved in by July 1st and open for visitors anytime after that. Enjoy the summer and take care.

Love&Prayers,

Ben

Emu Email Episode XV: My new job....circus freak!

All,
First off, I hope this email can bring a smile to everyone's face in this time of war and seemingly 24 hours a day news of death, destruction, terror, and a sinking economy. I am not pro-war or pro-Bush by any means, but now that it is started, my thoughts and prayers are with not only our troops, but with the leaders and people of all countries. Now...let's talk about me!
Apparently something went wrong in college or just shortly after, or the lack of a medical checkup for those four years really screwed me up. Granted it could have been the alcohol consumption, but I have never seen any studies proving that stuff is bad for you. But anyway, over my 2 years at Carlisle, I have had two health screenings. Last year, as some of you may remember, my cholesterol made one of our town nurses leave a sobbing message on my machine at home pleading for me to get help before I die! This screening had many more fun tests and numbers to analyze....so hear we go!!!
TEST #1: Cholesterol: Desired range...below 200. Last year's results 270. So, I spent the offseason working out, getting married, not eating red meat, reading labels and was ready for a huge decline. Of course....I broke the 22-year old school record with a reading of 324 (up 19% for you statisticians). YES! Apparently, gargling every morning with bacon grease is starting to have an effect.
TEST #2: Blood Sugar: Desired range with 8 hour fast...below 110. My result: 111. YES!! 2 for 2! Due to the fact I usually score much further out of range, I was disappointed.
TEST #3: Body Fat: Desired range: less than 18%. Me??? Fluffier than ever! 24%, but hey, that was down 2% from 2002. Damn...improvement, I hate that!
TEST #4 (the one that caused me a doctor visit just this morning!): TSH (thyroid): Desired range: .4-8. My score....wait....237.8!!! A whopping 230 points over. According to at least 3 different doctors, that is the highest score they have ever seen!!! YES...perfection, but I know I can do better.
So anyway, I went to the doctor to discuss why I am still attempting to breath and function when I am dead on paper already. He was amazed to see the shape I was in since he expected a 350 pound NASCAR fan who considers scratching his ass during the big race to be vigorous exercise (which I don't deny...it if itches, it can be alot of work at times!). He called the looks of me and the looks of my results a head-scratcher....gee, thanks for the confidence Doc, here's my life savings for your brilliant deduction! So, he did what any doctor would do, ordered a EKG, a TSH, and an LFT. (I tried rearranging the letters to spell "death kid" but ran out of vowels). I told him my RBI levels were low...he was confused. I said"RBI" means "Runs Batted In" and I only had 14 my senior year in baseball. He frowned and wrote something on my chart. Now I'm on Prozac or something! The EKG itself was very interesting, which don't worry, according to Reagan I flunked that one too because my heart didn't do a bunch of things right. Hooking up the EKG to my body was alot like Dad untangling the Christmas lights and hooking them up to the tree each year, except for the nurse didn't use the same 14 swear words mixed into one long word like Dad always did. (my favorite: Fucashiasssobitchomania....seriously, he's used that one!) Anyway, they got the 19+ cords hooked up and fired electrodes or microwaves or gamma rays through me and then we were done. All in all, besides my high cholesterol, triglycerides, body fat, LDL, glucose, TSH levels and my low pulse, heartrate, and IQ...I am fixture of wellness. But I am very concerned about all these results. That is why today, on my Spring Break, I plan to sit on my rear for 12 straight hours and eat pizza, drink beer, and watch basketball making sure that at some point I reserve at least 30 minutes for some vigorous ass-scratching. Please pray for me that I may live to see my stocks come out of bankruptcy one last time...it always brings a smile to my face. Have a good one and pray for peace.

Love&Prayers,
Ben "health age: 67" Barry