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Emuers,
As I sit here at 12:30 a.m. on my last day before I get married, I figured that I should pump out one last bachelorhood Emu Email. In the event that the 14th Emu is not funny at all, then we will know that marriage has turned me serious and that my humor is gone. If I start to write better, you can credit my lovely "wife" whenever you see her. Anyway, on with my story of the current time....
At several points in my Panther Presses and Emu Emails, a reference to food, beer, or the appearance of me "getting fluffier" may have been written. Although I have lost weight lately, my past two (and first two!) blood screenings have informed me that I was either the 4-time champion hotdog eater in a former life or my main diet is uncooked sausage washed down by a tall glass of melted butter. When I inform them that I work out daily, don't eat fast food or smoke, drink a beer a week (if that), and generally try to watch what I eat, they start laughing histerically. Then they realize that I am serious and call me a loser who doesn't know how to have fun!
But luckily for me, modern science has come up with a little pill that can make everything better. For you "sickos" out there, it is not Viagra....although, maybe I will need to be on that too...will find out in a couple of days! Their is a drug known as Lipitor to the doctors..."tripsy lipsy" to users and abusers. I guess from what my Dad has told me, a long-time user himself, is that by "trippin'" daily on these pills, you can eat steaks for dinner and yet your cholesterol goes down. Say again? I don't have to cut red meat out of my diet? Nice! For a guy like me who likes red meat and potatoes daily but has a total cholesterol reading which reads like a Stanford freshman's SAT score and a good cholesterol level that reads like a Iowa Hawkeye football player's ACT score, this sounds great! I resisted the doctor's push on this drug for now (I think he is what they call a "pusher" or a "dealer" on the streets), but I am interested. I am just worried that I will become addicted to this lipitor and start "free basing" it and "shootin" up with it. But as the doctor said, with my cholesterol and triglyceride levels being "elevated" (kind way of saying "way the hell up there"!), taking this pill for the last 75 years of my life is inevitable, so I might as well sell my 189 shares of WorldCom stock and buy a 14 day supply ($20 worth....yes, that's all that crap stock of mine is worth now!) Who knows, maybe my parents will let me borrow their "Seven compartment pill-a-day box" so Ican keep track. I always thought having a box like that meant I was getting old. Then again, I don't drink beer much, don't eat out much, and I think cellphones are annoying, so maybe I am old anyway. By the way, it is 12:50 a.m. now, which is 4 hours past my bedtime, so I better go. Talk later when I am married....
Love&Prayers,
Ben Barry
This letter is dedicated to Reagan Marie (King) Barry, who from the day we first started going out has supported my off-beat humor. She has always supported me in everything that I do and encouraged me to do things that I want to do even if others thought I was an idiot. I think she just accepted that I was an idiot and went with it. For that, I thank her. I love you hon....and I am counting down the hours (36 hours 10 mins) until we are married.
