All,
For those of you that have not received an Emu Email or an old Panther Press, you are in for a treat. In college, I sent out monthly letters to 30 subscribers to my Panther Press in which I ranted about my life and the life of others. I kept up this tradition using an Emu Email, a less expensive version, but still a vain attempt to let you in on some of the boring things that happen in my life that I attempt to make exciting with horrible humor. Some of you even like it! Anyway, without further ado, here is the much anticipated Tenth Episode (I promise, I will not keep you trembling for another 6 months before Episode 11 comes out!):
Well, last we talked I was preparing for my first full-year of teaching. To non-teachers, that means I was getting my pretty posters hung-up around the room, making name tags, and meeting faculty. To real teachers, that means I spent 10 hours a day for two weeks planning lessons, bolting down desks, staplers, tape dispensers, etc, and trying to figure out how to work the computerized grade book and attendance program. Upon finding the 42 staff members smoking outside in the tiny red circle designated for smoking idiots only, they told me that I should also buy a helmet, a chest protector, mace, find a lawyer and a therapist, and oh yeah, learn that sleep is just something you do at lunch. That was all helpful, but the real test came when school started. Let's take a look at some of the regular (but all too real!) events that have taken place in my first 4 months at little Carlisle High!
Things I have been told by my "best" students: "Take your hearing aid out...then maybe you can hear what I said"...by the way, once I did as my proud student told me to, he repeated what he said much quieter..."This is Bullshit!". Thank you for advising me to take my Hearing aid out. If not, I would not have known my rules were Bullshit. "Step off!"....Yeah, that was told to me on my first full moon in study hall upon breaking up a fight. The fight occured THROUGH me as I took roll. Apparently these students couldn't wait until I stepped away from them and wanted to use me as a cushion between their pre-pubescent chests. The good news is that both made it to the office safely with me between them translating their obscenity-laced remarks back and forth. Josh said "I don't like you"...Andrew has replied "I don't like you either or your birth mother". Josh is in agreement as he replies "I don't like your birth mother as he should know since they had a male-female relationship." Andrew replies "I know, she said that you may not be male, but in fact not human. By the way, I still don't like you." (Remember, these were not their words, just my nicer translations!) Don't worry, I didn't tell 15 year-old Josh's Parole officer about it (HE HAS ONE!) Ahhh...full moons, teachers love 'em!
And the one where I really lost my cool in front of my whole study hall was when I told an out-of-control student "You LISTEN TO ME!"....He stood up and stared at me and yelled "No...You LISTEN TO ME!". Needlessto say, I lost it and for the next 3 days in study hall, I was not messed with. The student is currently recovering quite nicely in a nearby hospital.
Finally, teachers are also used to comments that just make us feel horrible, but we are thick skinned and quick-witted. Before break, I had a student tell me after kicking his friend out, "You know Mr. Barry, that is why students hate you!". Of course I responded with "My name is rubber, your name is Glue. Whatever bounces off me, sticks to you!". That would have been great if I did respond with that, but instead I said "Whatever." D'oh!
Anyway, that is about it. Oh, I left out the 2 sickening crushes, the student who thinks ceramic toilet paper will change the world, dealing with 2 tragedies (9-11 and a sophomore being killed in a car accident over Christmas break), a minor hairstyle change that sent shock waves throughout the 9th graders, and the fact that a 60-hour work week seems like cake if I can get it. Not much else from here except that you can count on more from the Emu as I have 2 bachelor parties, trips to N.C., Chicago, Ireland/England, and a cruise planned this year, as well as a wedding during July sometime. Talk later and hope to get back to you soon with an even better (and shorter) Emu Email.
Love&Prayers,
Ben
This Emu is in memory of Tracy Carpenter, a sophomore who was killed much too early over break. Students everwhere die much too early, but it always hurts worse when it is someone you know.
