Emu Email Episode IX: It all started with those damn dandelions...

Dear all,

I'm back...actually I never left. I am still in Carlisle, IA enjoying the small town life. Taking daily walks, going to Sunday church, eating Sunday brunch downtown, trying to converse with nearby farm animals...you know the stuff all small-town folk do. One thing I haven't done is teach at the school yet. That doesn't start until August, although a new state law supposedly has already given me a $1500 pay raise. Now, my mysterious salary (I will not tell a soul...except Grandma), is not as high as Uncle Joe's mysterious salary...but nearing it. But I have managed to find yet another interesting job in a long list of interesting jobs. Here is a list of the jobs I have done in my life....I really think all people should try lots of jobs no matter what the pay. I think you will see that I have.....

*1) Picking Dandelions: As I look back, I think my first job was to pick dandelions out of our front yard at the rate of a penny/dandelion. Now that I think of it, this job violates many child labor laws and I would have made more per hour making Walmart shirts in a Vietnamese sweatshop! When my family could afford lawn fertilizer...I was out of business.

*2) Lemonade stand: I also sold cookies since that was the only thing I knew how to cook or bake. Although I had a capitalist mind already at age 6, I did not have much intelligence. An idea that works in town does not always work on a country highway. Note to self...put signs up at least a half mile in advance. Cars cannot (and will not) go from 60-0 in 50 yds. for lemonade at 50 cents a glass! I did make a profit as Grandma aquired my stand for a large sum of cash and stock at the end of the day.

*3) Various around the house jobs: These were jobs that I performed all summer and after school b/c my parents thought that a childhood was not important. These ranged from burning down our pasture while unattended to hauling wood that Dad sawed. Extra money was earned for not telling U. Tom that Dad dented his pickup and for not repeating the words Dad said.

*4) Mowing lawns: This was my passion. Finally, a job that required me sitting for hours on end trying to get that stupid song out of my head....and get paid. I mowed our lawn, Grandma's lawn, and my neighbor's lawn. Non-family lawns paid handsomely and supported my growing stock-buying habit!

*5) Farm work: This was not my passion! Remembering how to do the chores was impossible, trying to drive tractors was impossible, figuring out the different tools was impossible...but I did it and got paid. Now I appreciate it b/c driving tractors, feeding pigs, and fixing fence are coming in handy....yeah right!

*6) Hoeing beans: Picture this: An 8-year old Irish boy with a horrible temper getting picked on by his older brothers and their friends on a 100 degree day in a large open bean field...oh yeah, and he was armed with a corn knife with a 24-inch blade. Needless to say, I liked this job!*7) OK, OK...let's skip ahead....I put up field signs for DeKalb seed. I later worked as a Desk Assistant for Noehren Hall in college. This meant I delivered mail and answered phones. I was a summer park ranger intern. I worked as a stock boy/packager for an agricultural parts warehouse. I sold spring breaks for two years. I was both custoidian and receptionist for our college church. I was a substitute teacher and a Target cashier at the same time. And now I am working for minimum wage as a Hy-vee Cashier. Little advice? If you shop at Hy-Vee, don't yell at anyone with a name tag that says "One year of service". What that tag means is that we just got done training, we have no idea what's going on, most of us aren't even 16 yet, and besides all that, we make minimum wage. Yell at the people who make the big bucks (anything over $6/hour). They have at least a year and can drive...they need to be yelled at because they still work there!!! Anyway, I am only doing it for 7 weeks. Heck, if Round-up and Fertilizer weren't so widespread, I would probably be ridding Carlisle of dandelions for 3 cents/dandelion (inflation!) as we speak. Damn dandelions....Have a good rest of July and be kind to animals and your local Hy-Vee workers.

Love&Prayers,

Ben

Emu Email Episode VIII: How many daily flights does the crow offer?

Dear fans(???),

Well, we had no leads and no real idea of where anything was in the town, but Reagan and I and my eager parents went door-to-door in Carlisle, Iowa trying to find me a place to live. In the end we found out many interesting things about this new town of mine, some great and some down-right scary! Let's start from the beginning...

I started off with some internet research. Although, apartments.com and the online Des Moines paper showed no apartment complexes, I knew they were there. What I did find was some quick little quotes to help get to know my town more:

The population of Carlisle is approximately 3,241. The approximate number of families is 1,230. The amount of land area in Carlisle is 7.906 sq. kilometers. The amount of surface water is 0.03 sq kilometers. The distance from Carlisle to Washington, DC is 921 miles. The distance to the Iowa state capital is 7 miles. (as the crow flies) Carlisle is positioned 41.51 degrees north of the equator and 93.48 degrees west of the prime meridian. Carlisle, in Warren County, and a portion of Polk, previews a rollin country-side of Iowa. A rural atmosphere, Carlisle, south of Des Moines, lends itself to a get-a-way from city life. The beauty and friendly attitude of the people draw many to this town. A fourth of July celebration and parade highlight as one of Carlisle's special events. Septuplets were born to the McCaughey family who lives here. Now, I could tell you all about my family's journey that fateful Saturday night in which we knocked on Bob and Norma's door and they had a 2-bedroom apartment all ready for me that Reagan and I fell in love with and decided to call my home (and our home once married) over the next 2 years starting June 1st (address and phone number will be emailed, once I move), but I would rather read into these internet quotes found at these Carlisle websites to give you a sense of where I am moving.

First of all, why does the crow only fly to Des Moines and not to Washington D.C.?? How do the 8th graders get to their annual DC trip without daily flights by the crow?? Nice to know that if I catch the early bird flight from Carlisle to the state capitol it will only be a 7-mile flight though. Hell, by car, its at least 8 miles!! Next, simple math (see facts above!) will tell you that the average family has only 3 members. Take out the McCaughey family and you are down to me being a "large family" moving to town! I am having some reservations about moving to Carlise though. I mean, c'mon, .03 sq. miles of surfacewater?? I have bigger puddles after our last 9 inch rain here in Iowa City. Being an investor, I am thinking of purchasing that surface water and re-selling it in small portions to the vacationers that come to see the "rollin countryside" that Carlisle is famous for. And remember, the time to visit is the Fourth of July. We Carlinians take pride in America and put on quite a show. Actually, I've never seen it, but hell, we have a parade??! This has to be quite a deal! What the sites don't mention is that Carlise has great businesses too. They have 2 Casey's gas stations within a half-mile of each other (very strange), a bar called "Sisters" (great place for a single guy like me to wear my Hawaian shirt and drink a Shirley Temple over a conversation of tablecloth patterns) and the ever popular Pizza Ranch. We don't have a SuperWalmart, a Target (I'm working in a DesMoines Target--3 miles "as the crow flies"), or a Starbucks (I think Sisters serves cappuchino). All we have is a friendly atmosphere, a Fourth of July celebration, and the perennial baseball powerhouse Carlisle Wildcats (ISU colors, thank you very much!). So, come visit. If you are in the neighborhood this summer, catch the crow flight and stop by and see me. I will be the one sippin' lemondade with Bob and Norma watching the Fourth of July parade go by. Heck stay all night, I hear Sisters gets crazy during the Fourth of July celebration!

Love&Prayers,

Ben "bleeding Red and Gold" Barry

Emu Email Episode VII: Lucky 7s

Dear all,

Well, by now most of you have probably taken the day off to take in all my new job information. Either that you took the day off to sell off your stock that went up 20% yesterday and you are now at the mall. Either way, I figured I would explain to you how the "Carlisle Septuplets" got me my job. No, not the Septuplets born practically on Worldwide TV 4 years ago, I mean a different 7 people. So here is how these 7 people came together to put me in Carlisle. Follow closely...this can get confusing...

It all started when person #1, Ben Barry, applied to Carlisle 4 weeks ago. I gave them all my information that I had and actually might have forgot to sign my application letter. Whether I did or not was irrelevant. Why did I pick Carlisle out of a possible 30 schools in the Des Moines area needing a science teacher??

Enter person #2...Eric Brincks is a first year teacher from UNI that teaches at Carlisle. With only a staff of 3 science teachers, it would be great if 67% of us were young go-getters from UNI, so I applied. Little did I know that he was keeping an eye on incoming applications to make sure that I applied. Once he saw my app., he put in a good word for me. Already a respected teacher in his short stay, his words to person #3 were helpful...

Michael Anthony is person #3 and principal at Carlisle High. I had almost given up since it had been 3 weeks and no word. Late Sunday night, he called to offer an interview. They had narrowed a field of 23 down to 5 and wanted me to come in. I jumped at the offer and picked an early date. Good advice to future interviewers?? Pick an early interview date so you can get a thank-you letter in before they hire. Always looks good...Now to prepare for the interview, I talked with Eric (#2). He said bringing a portfolio is good. Since my portfolio was not up to par, I called person #4....

Uncle Jeff, principal at West Marshall, proved to be an important call. When I told him I was interviewing at Carlisle things got interesting. He was hired by Michael Anthony not long ago when Michael Anthony was principal at West Marshall. In fact they still get together from time to time. Uncle Jeff wondered if he didn't get an interview at that time because of person #5...

Aunt Julie is Uncle Jeff's brother and taught special education at Miller MS in Marshalltown for over 20 years. For four years, she happed to teach Zac Anthony, the son of Michael Anthony, person #3. Zac, of course would be then person #6. So you see it all makes sense. I (#1) apply to Carlisle in order to work with Eric (#2) and interview with Michael Anthony (#3) who hired U. Jeff (#4) and has a son (#6) who was taught be a teacher, Aunt Julie (#5) that Michael loved. (#3).

Lesson learned: When all is said and done, person #1, me, needs to do my best in order to get the job, but persons #2-#7 can help. So who is "person #7"?? That would be God and all the help he gave me over the last 4 weeks. I didn't have much hope over the past 4 weeks but I kept praying. But when it was all said and done, I had the job. Thank you. Once again, have a great day and week. Thank you for all your support. Barring any contract problems (my agent wants me to holdout) I will soon be a teacher and coach for the Carlisle Wildcats! And sorry, no matter how long I stay, I will never teach the septuplets...they are being home schooled. Catch you all later.

Love&Prayers,

Ben

Emu Email Episode VI: Do you hire shoplifters?

Dear all,

For those of you that thought I made a New Year's Resolution to quit writing these emails, you are wrong. My actual resolution was to corner the stock market; I will let you be the judge of my success after you read this email.

Let me see, where did I leave off last issue...oh yeah, I am in the "Real World" and it is scary. Not scary like "Hannibal" scary (opens nationwide tomorrow), but more scary like I have to buy things to survive and I have to work to get this money, and I have to find a job...and I can't. Let me also refresh your memory on my luck. One year before turning 18, Iowa switched the gambling age to 21. All I wanted to do was gamble. Luckily for me I was still able to sign up for the military draft. Yes, I could operate an AK-47 assault rifle and follow orders to kill multiple Iraqis, but I could not double down on an 11 even if I wanted too. Next up, our cruise. Just 2 weeks before we go, Carnival switches the drinking age on International waters to 21. Now I can gamble (18 on I. waters) but I have to be sober if I want to hit on 19! Lastly, as I enter the "Real World", Bill Clinton let the economy slip over the last 6 months and our new President, Dubya, doesn't exactly give hope to my future. Then again if he can get a job leading our country, surely I could get a job carrying groceries....which brings me to my January adventure. I will sum this all up as quickly as possible. MY JANUARY JOB LEADS:

*Iowa City schools sub: Started out working very little and then worked almost every day. Students are great and I am already both of the Jr. High's favorite sub. Now that my checking account is under $100, the phone does not ring. They called me today to work from 10-2 and were giving me $90 to do it....then they cancelled school because a thundercloud was on its way. Tomorrow doesn't look any better.

*Shopko clerk: Put in my app. Called three days later--"We'll look at it and get back to you". Called one week later--"We'll look at it and get back to you, we're hiring!". Visited 4 days later and talked to 9 year-old who already has a building 401k for the company. He assures me that they are hiring and will look at my application. One week later, local news announces that Shopko is closing. I guess the 9 year-old ran them out of money.

*NCS: I would score essays for hours on end. Great job, great pay. Can you work 5 days a week or 5 nights a week? Possibly 5 nights. Well, it would be from 6-10 each night and won't start until late March. That means I get no 2nd income until April and I would be working from 8a.m.-10 p.m. with a 2-hour break the rest of the Spring. No dice.

*Scheel's Sporting Goods: They claim they want to hire despite this economy slowdown...claim they say. A buddy of mine that works there put in a good word for me...two weeks ago. Called them Monday. Manager will look at app. and call me by Wednesday regardless. It is Thursday no call.

*Walmart---one last shot---I put in application (Jan.15th) after I purchase videotapes and batteries. They are hiring start of February. As I walk out of this desolate store, the alarm sounds. All 50 workers and 3 employees get the same look on their face (the I hate shoplifting kids look). They search me and find nothing, but my face of shock is forever captured on their 700 pen-size cameras. Now they aren't hiring until mid-February. I am sure they will remember me if I get called in for an interview.

Well, that is it. So I work 4 days a week and don't work nights. I have under $100 in my checking account and won't see a paycheck for another 2 weeks. At the rate this weather is going, I will be teaching into July anyway. Oh well, the more I stay home, the more I can watch CNBC and imagine what I would invest in if I only had money to do it. Have a wonderful day and stay off the roads!

Love&Prayers,

Ben